I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
