He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
