First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
