even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
