whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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