I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
