i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
