During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
