I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
