I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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