Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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