I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
