If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
