If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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