I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
