She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
