I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
