Her vagina should come with caution tape.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
