i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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