The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
