Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize