What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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