I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
