So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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