It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
