i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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