I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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