girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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