So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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