im drinking this country out of the recession.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
