You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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