You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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