I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
