i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
