are you still at the devil's house?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize