I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
