Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
