I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
