I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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