Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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