so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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