I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
