News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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