if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
