I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize