my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
