I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize