i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
