I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
