my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
