M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
