I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
