Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
