Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
