He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
