so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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