So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
