I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
